Election signs

Like we all wanted to hear your opinion because YOU are the center of the universe and all. And we all hinge our lives on your every desire and decision. You know what, though? THE ELECTION IS OVER - it was yesterday. I had better not see any of your bozo BS signage starting TODAY.

And as for bumpers stickers... well, I guess if you're stupid enough to put a political bumper sticker on your car, you deserve to not be able to get it all off afterwards - ESPECIALLY IF YOUR SIDE LOST! And if you don't try to remove it, maybe I won't try to not smack your door hard in the parking lot at the supermarket... after all it's a shame you couldn't center your car in the parking spot.

NIMBYs SUCK most of all

You know them, every one does. Those idiots who might even agree and support an idea - until it gets too close to them. Then it's bad. I feel bad for taking so long to put NIMBYs here on the suck wall, but at least this is a good story to point out why they are now here.

NIMBYs against almost free energy.

Lazy or leading edge???

I've been thinking about this since I first saw it yesterday... not sure whether to think she's the laziest slug since people departed the chimp gene pool or if she's just a sign of what is to come.

See it here...

Imus fights for job in wake of insults

In case you haven't heard about this.

Ok, now for my spin. WHO CARES?!?

A) Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson are a bunch of hot air puffing blow hards who spin any and everything possible just to get themselves more publicity. Once in a while they have legitimate points, but mostly it seems to be a ploy to keep themselves out in the public view.

2) As anyone who has listened and/or watched the Imus show can tell you, Imus is also a hot air puffing blow hard who spins everything possible so as to create content for his show. If you don't like it, turn it off as I do. While I personally think radio (TV, and broadcasting of all kinds) would be better off without wind bags like Imus, Howard Stern, and Rush Limburger, there are those who enjoy their spewage. With so many radio station, TV channels, web sites, blogs, and all, can't we just leave this kind of defecation to those who prefer the worse scents in life and just ignore them, as we do with the other things in life we don't care for. You know, like those homeless folks we walk past all the time and ignore.

c) Why not just let them all blow hot air until they run out, and send them all out to pasture? Then we won't have to listen to ANY of them! Oh happy day. Just leave a camera or two and they will think they are still cared about, no one has to point out the lack of batteries, film, or antennae.

Does it really matter if your crap is sweet or sour, it's still crap ain't it?

If you want to fight for racial equality (or what ever), make an intelligent statement. If you just want to point fingers and cry, put your diaper back on and go sit in a day care with the rest of the emotionally immature babies. If I wanted that crap, I'd RUN A DAYCARE CENTER MYSELF.

4) What in hell happened to the days when there was NEWS in the NEWS?!?

Who gives a giant rat's ass about Anna Butthole, Smell Gibson, Michael Bitchards, Imus, Hillary, W's latest verbal gaffe (after this long, is there anyone who things George W can speak without sticking his foot in his mouth??? Most of us were sick hearing about his verbal carnage YEARS ago), overblown egotistical sports morons abusing drugs, what Hollywood bimbette is doing a Monica Lewinsky with whom, which clinic is the current home to Bimbetteny, how long until Paris Hilton realizes she has but a single talent - being an ass, which dip-weed got tossed off Surboring, and so on.

If and when I give a crap about any of that fluff/sewage, god gave us Google, no? Oh, and there's still Yahoo for you Flat Earthers out there. When I want the news, just give me the damn news. I have little enough time for the details of lives of people I care about, let alone all the idiots in the world. And I have Chuck Shepherd to keep me up on the best of that.

The day is soon approaching that News of the Weird is going to be my ONLY news portal on the world.

Gross thought of the day

In this day and age where there is advertising for a host of pharmaceuticals in print, over the air, and over the internet, maybe my mind had combined pieces of ads together to come up with this, but it is gross no matter the source:

Fecal Incontinence

Or, as the TV ad for the diet drug a few years ago tried to lure customers in with the warning, "may cause gas with oily discharge..."

If this doesn't gross you out, you may be the next astronut NASA is looking for. To make sure, see how many western states you can drive through before changing your diaper.

The future, as told by retail experiences

Everyone who knows me knows full well that I don't like chain stores, outright hate malls, and prefer to do business with people like you and me who don't send their profits off to some far away place to be spent on things that will do no one any good (except maybe prostitutes, drug dealers (legal and otherwise), and boat salesmen).

Unfortunately, enough people in enough places around the world, and especially here in the U.S. don't feel this way, or don't ACT this way (which is, after all, more important, no?). The net result is that there are very few small retailers in most segments of the retail marketplace, but lots of mega-stores (Blowes, Homeboy Peepshow, Small Wart, Targforget, K-Hole, Smears, JC WeWantYourLastPenny, etc) and chain outfits which have no clue what customers want, let alone how to provide it in a business like fashion (McBlowChunks, Murder King, Pizza Puts, Taco SmeelslikeEColi, Foot Fokker, Chumps, etc). Sure, some of these places offer good value for your money (but not always, you have to watch them closer than a pick pocket), but at what end cost?

So needless to say, thanks to this situation, I inevitably HAVE to go to one of these places once in a while - I mean when you want something specific, and the local guys don't carry it, what else is there? Yeah, I can shop the net. BUT... what I wanted today is an item costing less than $10 and weighing less than a few ounces - not the kind of thing you buy online or by mail order without getting completely HOSED on shipping and handling costs. I mean who wants a $5 to $10 item with $5 to $10 shipping added on?!? And then there are the countless items that you just have to see and/or examine to tell if they meet your needs (size, shape, space, feeling, arrangement of controls, etc).

It was bad enough that I had to try on twenty pair of shoes before I could find one that fit reasonably well, looked nice (no day glow, no gaudy B.S., etc, as in something you could wear to a job interview and not get tossed out on your butt for). The pair of shoes I end up with are fitting the bill really well except the damn shoe strings aren't long enough to tie without help of a laparoscopic surgeon's toolkit. Ok, shoestrings are cheap and insignificant, right? I'll get them with the crappy strings and just replace them right off the get go. It has to be better than another half dozen shoe stores (and countless more dozens of shoes) - most of which are at the god forsaken MALL (YUCK!).

I put that off for two weeks.

So off I go today in search of the shoestrings I found on the net and like fairly well. Length, color, style, all good, and in a few different brands. Given that the ones I’ve settled on are very popular with runners and tri-athletes, this shouldn’t be like looking for a new Beemer in a Kansas cornfield. Since I live in a large metro area, shouldn’t be too hard, right? HA! To demonstrate WHY I don’t like malls, and chain stores, let me tell you about the trip.

The local mall isn’t huge (by today’s U.S. standards), but downright gargantuan compared to how folks shopped fifty and more years ago. According to the local phone book’s yellow pages there are about half a dozen places at the mall that might carry these things.

As a side rant, no, I don’t use the online yellow pages unless I’ve misplaced the paper one – they are always out of date (and think about this, the paper ones only come out ONCE A YEAR, but are MORE UP TO DATE?!?), rarely list addresses which are useful on the streets I travel (1595 Widget Way, yet Widget Way ends at 520, or no one except the web mapping dolt knows it by Widget Way since the locals call it Bozo Street and have since it was renamed in 1941). Plus how about all those dozens of sponsored ads they throw up in front of the actual listings, all claiming to do business in your town, but have an address in SOME OTHER STATE… THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY. Oh yeah, I’m driving across the country to buy a freaking broom!

Anyhow, back to the mall. To no great surprise, given that mall stores come and go like the breeze, most of these places are no longer around, at least anywhere a normally sighted adult can find. I did find no less than THREE Cingular, THREE Verizon, TWO Sprint, and ONE T-Mobile cel phone places (not counting the stores in the plazas surrounding the mall); SIX stores that seem to exist by selling cheap ass, vending machine quality (got a quarter ma?), ear rings; fifteen or so restaurants with lines of other dolts waiting in line for mediocre food and bad service (did I mention I needed a drink because of a bad taste in my mouth, like, huh, huh, RIGHT NOW, PLEASE; and some idiot forgot to get any cash before this misadventure, so the soda machine isn’t of any help).

Just about the time that jumping off the balcony in hopes of breaking my neck when landing down on the first floor seems like an improvement over more store trolling, I found a pair of shoe laces ALMOST like what I want. CLOSE ENOUGH, damn it! Get me to hell out of here, Scotty, beam me up, warp factor 75 after I’m there, no excuses or I’ll BEAM YOU DOWN HERE!

There is ONE WHOLE CUSTOMER in front of me. She is getting ONE PAIR OF SHOES, $25. She has ONE COUPON for $15 off. Are your Algebraic skills sharp? With around 8% tax, the cashier tells this lady it will be $22ish. I couldn’t see the poor lady’s face, but her demeanor said it all. I could see her child’s face, which was priceless. I’ve never seen a twelve year old roll their eyes that far back into their head… usually that skill is mastered once one achieves parenthood, no?

This woman was a saint… I kid you not. She calmly explains TWICE the mathematics and amounts involved. Now, needless to say, both she, her child, and I have determined at least a ball park of the proper price in our heads, in about two tenths of a second. Einstein gets her calculator out. Stop the presses we have a new headline! The customer is… RIGHT. $25 less $15 is $10! Gosh, without the skills of a mosquito, we can say for sure that even with tax $11 should ought to get us covered and some change!

“Oh,” she says. There is a flurry of screen punching and key pressing, then she, in all seriousness, tells Mother Theresa that she owes… TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE CENTS.

Ok, at this point I have to turn away or I am going to bust out and fall down laughing hysterically in a fit on the floor. So I can’t tell you the physical reaction of the other customers. Again this saintly soul explains to her the mathematics and amounts involved. Einstein calls her manger over to void the transaction. Dilbert’s boss wants to know why and what happened?

“Well, it’s screwing up like it did before,” she says. And to further “save face” points to many places on the screen only they can see, and says, “see here.” As if the now seven customers in line didn’t notice she was dumber than a box of rocks (no insult intended towards rocks, boxed or otherwise). Oh yeah, the computer must certainly be what is wrong here…

Dilbert’s boss zeroes it out, and Einstein goes back to work. Another TWO MINUTES LATER and Mother Theresa can finally enter her PIN code for her debit card. Holy shit, Batman! I might get out of here before they tow my car as an abandoned vehicle!

Let me tell you, at this point I was ready to pay $5 for these damn shoestrings even though the price tag was $2.50, just so I didn’t have to have Déjà vu all over again. Somehow it was $2.41, though, not that I paid attention in the store, I just got the hell out of there.

Meanwhile, I am now convinced that some combination of things I’d consumed at the Chinese restaurant has combined to form kerosene in my internal organs, because that sure is what it tasted like in my mouth! The only place I can find with beverages and no line is… wait, you won’t believe this one… STARBUCKS.

I try not to run up to the register. To quote Frank from “Everyone Loves Raymond,” “Holy CRAP!” This bimbette behind the counter is the most frightening thing I’ve ***EVER*** seen, including many very good Halloween costumes and some very realistic looking movies.

Nope, her hair is there, only one natural looking color, and only in all the proper spots… except her eyebrows. These she’s apparently shaved off. But that’s not weird… hey I used to hang out in Northampton Massachusetts after all.

No, Ms. Hilton here apparently regretted that decision, so now she’s drawn some back on. Nope, still not weird in my opinion. Seen it many times before.

Brittany here has forgone makeup and apparently used a permanent Sharpie marker, but it had to be a very fine point one. I’ve seen my fair share of makeup on women, from Frankenstein/Mimi from Drew Carey types to gals who looked better than photo models. It weren’t no makeup. Maybe Krylon spray paint? Who knows? It wasn’t a natural shade of black, either, it was weird - too dark not to notice, way too dark to be natural colored, too light to be jet black, almost glossy yet flat at the same time.

As if this weren’t bad enough, it still isn’t weird yet. The weird part is that she ain’t Van Gough either. One brow was almost naturally shaped (waaaaaaaay too thin, but close on overall shape)… the other was an inverted V, though slightly misshapen. Think Mister Spock after gender transformation, a dye job, on LSD, having just finished the universe’s largest bong of Mary Jane, a few hash brownies, and a case of Romulan Ale to boot.

I.

AM.

NOT.

KIDDING.

Then there was the young mother on the upper floor of the mall, leaning on the railing, YELLING, AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, to her daughter. Oh like THAT is going to do ANYTHING. Say, do you have a double wide or just a single wide trailer? No offense to those who have no other option than (or choose) to live in a trailer and/or trailer park (I'm sure the majority of whom are decent, honest, upstanding, humans), but this woman was the personification of the generic trailer park trash stereotype. I wonder how many times she's denied her kid(s) food and/or other necessities so she could shop at Nordstroms or Frederick's of Hollywood (no Victoria's Secret at this mall, can you believe it?!?)? Well... except for those times she spent it on speed before she could get to the mall... I mean how else does a gal at least 10 years younger than me look 20 years OLDER? Meth will do it, and FAST!

As if I didn't have a low enough opinion of society in general, this mall experience has lowered it yet a few more notches.

Somehow the generation between my son and myself, the ones who will be making all the decisions once my generation gets too old, SCARES THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME!!!

When I get old enough to be shoved aside, I’m going to Australia… I swear!

Wal Mart and other big business

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not a communist or a socialist. I like the free market economy, honest. I don't have a problem with people making a profit for their efforts, wares, etc.

Many parts of the U.S. version of the free market economy baffle me though. Take Wal Mart.

Here you have a HUGE company. Now companies don't get this huge by chance or luck. This outfit employs more people than the United States government for crying out loud. So they must be doing something right, right?

Well...

Ask someone from a third world country where most of Wal Mart's brands of clothing and other products are made. Some might make a wage above their country's average for similar work, but that doesn't make it a good wage. Most can't afford to buy one of the products they make with a week's pay, should they luck into a vacation to the United States and shop at a Wal Mart. The folks at Dateline told us about this a while ago.

Ask someone who's worked for them and needed health care. There have been countless articles on this in the newspapers and online, for more info do a Google News search (try it with and without the space between Wal and Mart). Since I have first hand experience, let me explain it. FYI, I'm married, with a child, and was working for them full time starting almost two years ago.

WM gives new hires an option for an insurance plan that is generously considered major medical by some, and blasphemy by most. High deductible. No coverage for pre-existing conditions. And for this you get to pay... WAY TOO MUCH. I don't recollect the exact numbers, nor exactly how long until you could get this uselessness in effect from the date of hire, though I do think it's fairly soon after hire. This does not "cover" the employee's family either, nor can it (one could argue whether it usefully covers the employee themselves). If that don't float your health care boat, you have to wait SIX MONTHS before you can find out anything else, let alone GET IT.

So after six months of hoping for no major accidents or illnesses that couldn't be handled with a trip to a pharmacy, I was told that the monthly cost for family coverage would be, if I recall correctly, somewhere around 30% of my income. And since we were talking Wal Mart here, there weren't much income to be had to START WITH.

Now health care is not a right, nor is it required of employers in the United States to provide it. But hang on for a second; put your philosopher's hat on, I'm going to give you some good business advice for FREE. It's a business model followed by many successful companies, and closely adhered to by most of the ones always voted the best companies to work for. This advice works no matter the industry, sector, market, or location. 1) You have to keep your customers happy. 2) You can't do that as well as you might unless your employees are happy, thus enabling them to make your customers as happy as is possible. No, employees don't have to be given the ranch, or even the barn. They don't have to make $20 an hour to greet people walking into the store. They don't have to get back dated stock options at below market rates. They don't have to get Golden Parachutes (with more incentive to leave than stay, just ask the former CEOs of many companies).

Also, employees who aren't healthy aren't happy, and if they have to come to work ill or injured, they are less productive, not happy, and possibly making other employees (and customers) sick too, who are then unhappy, less productive, and less inclined to buy anything (in the case of customers). Besides which, how classy is it to buy a new Cel phone from someone with snot running down their nose, whiter than Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane, and about to drop from exhaustion? Oh, and no extra charge for that new flu virus sir... its part of our service.

Just treat employees with respect, dignity, and fairness at all levels of your organization, give them above market rate wages and reasonable benefits (not what the company tight wads think is fair, what an actual, HONEST TO GOD, legitimate, professional survey of competitors shows). When in doubt, give the employees more than your first inclination.

Think about it. In a small company, if you, say, paid the lady taking phone calls an extra buck an hour, she can afford that expensive lip gloss she loves, those new shoes she "needs", that new leather jacket. When she has that, she feels good. This makes her happy. When she's happy, she's much more pleasant to talk to, much more willing to help callers, and that matters.

Total cost? $40 a week.

Total savings? Let's see, five customers didn't go to competitors because she wasn't snippy with them, six more got the service they needed because they didn't end up in Hold Hell, and one doubled his large order because she made him laugh on a rough day.

Depending on the business, the above scenario could be worth anything from a couple hundred bucks to many thousands.

Worth it? Nah, we need to rape every customer we have for every penny they have. This is America, land of the free, and home of the get rich quick.

What about... yeah, there are lot's of "what about"s on the side of businesses. I'm not saying that they can't make a profit. I'm not saying the employees deserve more of the profit than the owners. I'm not saying they deserve any proportion at all. I am saying if you find them useful; if they keep customers flowing through your business books, give them a fair shake.

And don't stop with the employees... treat those customers well too, and they'll return. Old man Binion figured out that when he gave people FREE BOOZE in his casino, they stayed longer and spent more. Sure the booze costs something. Good business exchange? You betcha! Fair? I think mostly yes, but that's another discussion for another posting.

Let's talk about two specific industries whose major players continually post record profits, year after year after year. Big oil and cable companies. Both increase prices all the freaking time. Both claim an increase in costs every single time. Both are extremely reluctant to roll back prices should those costs go DOWN though. Both blame market forces for the increases also.

Ever notice how "market forces" can increase the cost of the gas in a station's tanks by a few cents a day, even though it is the same old gas that was delivered last week AT LAST WEEK'S PRICE?!? At the HINT that crude oil prices might rise. When crude oil prices drop, have you noticed that the gas price doesn't drop for many WEEKS usually?

Isn't it grand when they keep adding all those shopping channels to your cable line up? All those reality TV networks. All those places that are cable incarnations of YouTube (showing any old crap any idiot with a camcorder can create). Ain't that extra ten bucks a month worth it so you can shop for some plastic crap that you local dollar store couldn't GIVE AWAY? Or watch your weekly religious service in some language you've never even heard of before, let alone able to understand or speak?

You know who this works for? Those that pocket the profits. Everyone else gets to pull their Wrangler's down, bend over, and is refused the privilege of Vaseline or KY Jelly.

Think about it, what is $.02 a gallon or $2 a month to companies like Exxon-Mobil and Comcast, respectively? Diddly freaking squat. Know what it means to someone on food stamps or welfare? Sometimes, it's the difference between having a roof and sleeping on a bench. Oh yeah, Bob the Bum, his wife Betty the Bimbo, and kids, Charlie the Cretin and Wanda the Wench, like sleeping outside in an alley at 5 degrees Fahrenheit and eating out of a dumpster just so some three piece suite turd (who hasn't done an honest day's work in at least a decade, if ever) in Miami can have a few extra apple martinis at the titty bar each night before driving home in his Mercedes convertible to his dozen acre estate, complete with iron gates, security people, butler, maid, cook, state of the art HVAC system, horny hot babe girl friend, high-def home theater suite, wine cellar the size of Rhode Island, and gourmet dinner. Know what the best part is? He never eats half of his dinner, throws the rest away every night, and has his trash locked up to keep the street people out. Know how he ended up with all this stuff? His freaking Masters in Basket Weaving degree!!! (See post about Job Search Sites)

Job search sites

Can someone please, PLEASE, PLEASE, explain to me what good most of the internet job search sites are?

1) They are all so freaking slow, it's a good thing I'm unemployed... I wouldn't have enough time to wait for them otherwise! Are they running some weird kind of web server software on an old 286 with 128K of RAM and a 10 Meg hard drive connected via 9600-baud dial up?!?

B) Half of more of what they list is in no possible way, shape, or form related to the search criteria I've entered. When is the last time you were looking for a job schlepping bark mulch at Home Depot so you entered the term "call center" into the search box?!? Better yet, many of the medical job search sites list and/or describe the town the job is in when entering info into the JOB DESCRIPTION field! I DON'T WANT A TRAVEL REVIEW, JUST TELL ME WHAT THE DAMN JOB IS!

III) Degree snobs - you know these people... the ones who think that if you have a Masters Of Basket Weaving degree, you know more about IT than someone with, say, 20 years direct experience in the field. My question about these people is, how do they survive with their heads stuck SO FAR up their butt holes? How in God's name can someone go get a two-year AA degree in, say, phys-ed... or better yet "liberal arts" (which really just meant that they learned how to funnel 16 ounces of beer down their throat in five seconds or less and got good enough they didn't spill a drop by the end of the second year), and be considered more qualified at ANYTHING (let alone something requiring mental acuity), than someone with GENUINE EXPERIENCE?!? Don't get me wrong, book learning and furthering your education are great things. But if I have to trip over another college "educated" turd in a computer job who doesn't know an Apple computer from Apple Corps (oh, just Let It Be!), from a brown rotting apple core, from a boat anchor, or from a banana, I may just kick them in the genitals for the pure joy of it. When you hear me laughing maniacally afterwards, please don't have me hauled away to the funny farm. They don't like me there... I took over last time I was there. You can call me Prot.

4) How is it that almost all jobs worth having (IE: not flipping burgers or pushing brooms) require YEARS of experience, whether you have schooling for the position or not, yet no one ever lets you in the door to GET the experience?!? How do I get a freaking visit from the EXPERIENCE FAIRY to help me out?!? Hello, McFly? Is anyone home?!?

E) Why are half of the listings on a job site for listings on other job sites?!? Talk about exponentially over exaggerating the number of jobs available. What's really fun is when America's Job Blank sends you to Career Bleeder, which sends you (when it works, half of these type of links don't with them) Yoohoo, which, sometimes sends you to Munster. Holy freaking circle jerk, Batman! Is there a job here, or are we just generating web hits???

VI) Has anyone ever successfully gotten in coherent contact with an employer via one of these "services" anyway? I've gotten voice mails (how do they know to call just after I leave home?), but no one ever returns my return voice mails (speaking of circle jerks). Is someone just getting paid by how much busy work they create by having poor schmucks respond to ads and then pretending to offer them a job?!?

No, I'm not paranoid, just frustrated and facetious. But it's easy to see how someone who isn't quite mentally balanced can become convinced the world is out to get them.

Besides, remember... paranoia is just a heightened state of awareness.

Micro$oft Wind Blows (right through all the security holes)

Wow is right. They've been doing Windoze for almost twenty years, and this is as good as they can do?!? They PAID people to write... THIS?!?

Holy crap, a bunch of geeks working for FREE came up with Linux in a couple of years, and have had a more stable, more secure, and technologically more advanced operating system for well over a DECADE. And the nerds over at Apple have had a superior OS for about as long.

So... lots of money and a BAD ATTITUDE can't create good products? As Jethro might ask, "ya think, DiNozzo?"